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Washington, D.C. · Sunday, November 8, 2026
CABINET ADOPTS “NOT IT” PROTOCOL TO SELECT IRAN WAR FALL GUY; THE SWORD IS ALREADY ON THE TABLE
The White House confirmed this week that responsibility for the Iran war will be assigned under the administration’s standing accountability procedure, known to participants as Not It, under which the last cabinet official to place an index finger on his or her nose accepts the blame in full. Officials described the process as structured, deliberative, and ongoing.
THE VICE PRESIDENT’S ONLY ROAD TO 2028 RUNS THROUGH THE 25TH AMENDMENT
Let us begin with the Vice President’s problem, which is arithmetic. No sitting vice president has been elected president since 1988. The office is a waiting room with excellent stationery, and the nomination in 2028 will not be won by the man in it. It will be awarded — by the man who used to sit in the other chair — to whichever loyalist flinches last. Mr. Vance’s entire brand is succession, and successors in this party are not chosen. They are installed, or they are forgotten. History offers him two doors. One is labeled Pence. The other is Section 4 of the 25th Amendment.
MISSISSIPPI COUNT ENTERS THIRD DAY AT ONE BALLOT PER MISSISSIPPI; STATE DEFENDS THE CADENCE
JACKSON, Miss. — Two days after polls closed, Mississippi’s Senate race remains uncalled for a reason election officials describe as procedural and everyone else describes as audible: having counted its ballots by machine on election night, the state is now counting them again, out loud, one at a time, in Mississippis.
MAR-A-LAGO SOURCES URGE TRUMP TO RECUSE HIMSELF FROM “FORE!” DEBATE, CITING A LIFETIME OF NEVER HAVING SAID IT
PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Trump declared Washington’s East Potomac Golf Links “extremely dangerous” this week, blaming fairways “far too close together, leading to a constant barrage of people being hit with wayward shots, and the echoing throughout the fairway of the word, ’FORE!’” Unnamed sources at Mar-a-Lago say the President should probably sit this one out. He is, they note, the one golfer in America who has never had to say it.
BRAIN WORM DISTANCES ITSELF FROM KENNEDY’S MICHIGAN REMARKS: “I ATE A PORTION. I DID NOT WRITE THE SPEECH.”
GRAND RAPIDS - The parasite Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has said once ate part of his brain announced Tuesday it “wants no part of” his Monday address to the Kent County GOP, which claimed 500 million Arabs don’t produce science or literature and don’t win Nobel, Fields or Wolf prizes.
REUNITED: NATION’S TWO PARTIES FIND COMMON GROUND, PROVIDED IT’S FAR FROM THEIR HOMES
WASHINGTON (Satire) — America’s warring political camps, who agree on almost nothing, have achieved a rare moment of unity in a new CNBC survey. It is the kind of reconciliation that has a certain 1970s disco duet playing faintly in the background. Peaches & Herb, at least, would approve.
“SCREW THE PRIME DIRECTIVE”: LT. CMDR. DATA TESTIFIES AGAINST OHIO DATA CENTER; FANS WARN IT MAY BE HIS BROTHER
COLUMBUS, Ohio (Satire) — The opposition to the proposed data center behind the Dollar General acquired its most credentialed witness on Tuesday, when Lt. Cmdr. Data of the starship Enterprise appeared before the county zoning board to speak against the facility, on the grounds that he is one.
LIBERACE TRIBUTE GUILD DEMANDS CLINTON RETRACTION; ELVIS IMPERSONATORS JOIN THE FIGHT
The Liberace Tribute Guild on Tuesday demanded a full and unqualified retraction from former President Bill Clinton, whose description of the paved-over White House Rose Garden as looking like “the entrance to Liberace’s bathroom” the Guild called “an actionable insult to the bathroom.”
’IF I CAN’T PARDON HIM, AT LEAST I CAN BE HIS CELLMATE’: FLAVIO BOLSONARO REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE LULA VICTORY
Senator Flávio Bolsonaro declined on Monday to recognize the results of Sunday’s presidential election, which President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won by more than four million votes, and said he would petition to have the result annulled — a course of action that, in his family’s experience, ends in a specific place.
HEGSETH BREAKS EISENHOWER’S GLOBE; THE SECRETARY’S MOTHER IS QUOTED
The Secretary of Defense broke Dwight D. Eisenhower’s globe in the spring, and the government has been making do with a replacement that preservation officials describe as having “significantly less history” and “a noticeably lower purchase price.” Reached for comment, the Secretary’s mother said she had warned him.
WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES PROSECUTIONS FOR DISHONEST STAFF; WASHINGTON RUNS OUT OF LAWYERS TO DEFEND THEM, THEN REMEMBERS IT HAS ONLY TWO TO PROSECUTE THEM
The President announced that dishonest officials “have to be prosecuted” — a policy that ran into a problem of supply. Nearly every white-collar defense lawyer in Washington has already been retained by an official in his administration, and the Justice Department office responsible for prosecuting corrupt public officials currently has two attorneys.
TRUMP ACCUSES BBC AND FEDERAL JUDGE OF CONSPIRING TO DEPOSE HIM, VIA THE DEPOSITION, IN HIS OWN LAWSUIT
The deposition is the President’s — he is the plaintiff — which has not slowed the accusation that everyone involved in scheduling it is attempting to depose him, in both senses, one of which is a coup and the other of which is a Tuesday.
