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Mourners on the Capitol steps Thursday night. Each of the fallen is survived by the same photograph. (Staff photo)

Washington · The Midterms

Republicans Demand Ukraine Pause Strikes on Russian Data Centers Until After the Midterms

By Staff Reports

Republican officials on Thursday formally asked Ukraine to suspend strikes on Russian data centers until after the November midterms, calling the attacks “an October surprise conducted by a foreign military” and a threat to infrastructure “both nations have come to rely on.” Party officials estimate more than 3,000 girlfriends were lost in the attacks, a figure expected to rise as members continue to check their messages and find the accounts dark.

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Laminated survival instructions mounted in the execution chamber

Nashville · Corrections, Tennessee-Style

Tennessee Reforms Execution Protocol: Verification Code Will Now Be Taped to the Gurney

The Department of Correction announced sweeping reforms after the rescue of a woman who survived her own execution was delayed roughly 30 minutes because the official who called 911 did not know the verification code. “A condemned person who survives execution is entitled to prompt medical care,” a spokesman said, “provided the call can be authenticated.”

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Briefing-room map of Scandinavia with a hand-drawn circle

Washington · Foreign Affairs

Trump Orders Strike on Stockholm After Nobel Snub, Points to Map as Evidence of Planning

The President, passed over for the Peace Prize, ordered the strike within the hour and displayed the planning map personally. The Peace Prize is awarded in Oslo. The circle is on Finland. Sweden, where Stockholm is, has been notified. See Corrections.

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From the Archive

Federal agents with butterfly nets in a Toledo garden

ICE Raids Ohio Garden in First Operation of Butterfly-Tracking Program

Four hundred pings from one lavender patch. Fourteen butterflies detained, then released. “Hatching here makes them citizens, technically.”

White House physician at a briefing podium

Trump Cancels Livestreamed Execution; Medical Team Blames ‘Acute Case of Temporary Sanity’

The episode lasted four hours. Symptoms included reading a full briefing and asking what the victims’ families might want. He has since recovered.

Corrections

An earlier edition of this newspaper reproduced a presidential map in which a hand-drawn circle labeled “Stockholm” appeared over Finland. The circle was the President’s. Finland is not Stockholm. Sweden is the yellow one in the middle. We regret nothing.

It’s a Liberal Thing maintains a corrections policy. It is available on request and has never been used.

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