It’s a Liberal Thing

REUNITED: NATION’S TWO PARTIES FIND COMMON GROUND, PROVIDED IT’S FAR FROM THEIR HOMES

WASHINGTON (Satire) — America’s warring political camps, who agree on almost nothing, have achieved a rare moment of unity in a new CNBC survey. It is the kind of reconciliation that has a certain 1970s disco duet playing faintly in the background. Peaches & Herb, at least, would approve.

The same survey found the divide as wide as ever on what scares people. 44% of all voters fear Trump would exceed his constitutional authority if Republicans keep Congress, including 74% of Democrats. 28% worry about the Democratic Socialists of America gaining influence if Democrats take over, including 54% of Republicans. Each side, in other words, is terrified of the other side’s wildest dream.

Then came the data center question. 63% of registered voters oppose an AI data center within 10 miles of their home, while just 13% support one. The opposition is bipartisan: 80% of Democrats oppose nearby facilities, and support among Republicans falls to 24%.

“I haven’t agreed with my neighbor on anything since 2016,” said Dale Pruitt, a fictional retiree in a fictional Ohio swing county. “He thinks the other party is going to ruin the country. So do I, but a different party. Then they announced a server farm behind the Dollar General, and we spent four hours on his porch drafting a letter. It was beautiful.”

Political scientists called the moment historic, though unlikely to last. “This is the first time in years both sides have united behind a policy position,” said Dr. Marcia Hale, professor of political science and director of the Institute for Civic Reconciliation at Kestrel State University. “Unfortunately, the policy position is ’somewhere else.’”

At press time, the two parties had resumed fearing each other, with a brief intermission to argue over whose backyard should get the data center instead.

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