It's a Liberal Thing — Truth, conveyed by a smartass

Election workers hand-count ballots at a long table while an official reads aloud; a chalkboard covered in tally marks fills the wall

The count, at 812,206. The counters work in shifts; the cadence does not. (Staff photo)

Jackson · The Audible Count

Mississippi Count Enters Third Day at One Ballot Per Mississippi; State Defends the Cadence

By Staff Reports

JACKSON, Miss. — Two days after polls closed, Mississippi’s Senate race remains uncalled for a reason election officials describe as procedural and everyone else describes as audible: having counted its ballots by machine on election night, the state is now counting them again, out loud, one at a time, in Mississippis.

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A golfer in a red cap watches his drive; beside the black SUV, an agent hands a clipboard to a spectator rubbing his head

Palm Beach · The Warning System

Mar-a-Lago Sources Urge Trump to Recuse Himself From “Fore!” Debate, Citing a Lifetime of Never Having Said It

PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Trump declared Washington’s East Potomac Golf Links “extremely dangerous” this week, blaming fairways “far too close together, leading to a constant barrage of people being hit with wayward shots, and the echoing throughout the fairway of the word, ’FORE!’” Unnamed sources at Mar-a-Lago say the President should probably sit this one out. He is, they note, the one golfer in America who has never had to say it.

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The worm’s publicist reads his statement at a podium; beside her, the client’s specimen jar, empty

Grand Rapids · The Disavowal

Brain Worm Distances Itself From Kennedy’s Michigan Remarks: “I Ate a Portion. I Did Not Write the Speech.”

GRAND RAPIDS - The parasite Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has said once ate part of his brain announced Tuesday it “wants no part of” his Monday address to the Kent County GOP, which claimed 500 million Arabs don’t produce science or literature and don’t win Nobel, Fields or Wolf prizes.

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From the Archive

Federal agents with butterfly nets in a Toledo garden

ICE Raids Ohio Garden in First Operation of Butterfly-Tracking Program

Four hundred pings from one lavender patch. Fourteen butterflies detained, then released. “Hatching here makes them citizens, technically.”

White House physician at a briefing podium

Trump Cancels Livestreamed Execution; Medical Team Blames ‘Acute Case of Temporary Sanity’

The episode lasted four hours. Symptoms included reading a full briefing and asking what the victims’ families might want. He has since recovered.

Corrections

An earlier edition of this newspaper reproduced a presidential map in which a hand-drawn circle labeled “Stockholm” appeared over Finland. The circle was the President’s. Finland is not Stockholm. Sweden is the yellow one in the middle. We regret nothing.

It’s a Liberal Thing maintains a corrections policy. It is available on request and has never been used.

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