It's a Liberal Thing — Truth, conveyed by a smartass

Cabinet officials sit around a long table, each with an index finger pressed to their nose; a ceremonial saber rests on a folded cloth at the center; the President sits at the head with his arms folded; two uniformed officers stand aside

The sword, at rest since Wednesday. Nobody has touched it. (Staff photo)

Washington · The Procedure

Cabinet Adopts “Not It” Protocol to Select Iran War Fall Guy; The Sword Is Already on the Table

By Staff Reports

The White House confirmed this week that responsibility for the Iran war will be assigned under the administration’s standing accountability procedure, known to participants as Not It, under which the last cabinet official to place an index finger on his or her nose accepts the blame in full. Officials described the process as structured, deliberative, and ongoing.

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An empty cabinet table set for fifteen, a silver water pitcher at its center, the tall chair at the head unoccupied

Hot Springs · The Op-Ed

The Vice President’s Only Road to 2028 Runs Through the 25th Amendment

Let us begin with the Vice President’s problem, which is arithmetic. No sitting vice president has been elected president since 1988. The office is a waiting room with excellent stationery, and the nomination in 2028 will not be won by the man in it. It will be awarded — by the man who used to sit in the other chair — to whichever loyalist flinches last. Mr. Vance’s entire brand is succession, and successors in this party are not chosen. They are installed, or they are forgotten. History offers him two doors. One is labeled Pence. The other is Section 4 of the 25th Amendment.

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Election workers hand-count ballots at a long table while an official reads aloud; a chalkboard covered in tally marks fills the wall

Jackson · The Audible Count

Mississippi Count Enters Third Day at One Ballot Per Mississippi; State Defends the Cadence

JACKSON, Miss. — Two days after polls closed, Mississippi’s Senate race remains uncalled for a reason election officials describe as procedural and everyone else describes as audible: having counted its ballots by machine on election night, the state is now counting them again, out loud, one at a time, in Mississippis.

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From the Archive

Federal agents with butterfly nets in a Toledo garden

ICE Raids Ohio Garden in First Operation of Butterfly-Tracking Program

Four hundred pings from one lavender patch. Fourteen butterflies detained, then released. “Hatching here makes them citizens, technically.”

White House physician at a briefing podium

Trump Cancels Livestreamed Execution; Medical Team Blames ‘Acute Case of Temporary Sanity’

The episode lasted four hours. Symptoms included reading a full briefing and asking what the victims’ families might want. He has since recovered.

Corrections

An earlier edition of this newspaper reproduced a presidential map in which a hand-drawn circle labeled “Stockholm” appeared over Finland. The circle was the President’s. Finland is not Stockholm. Sweden is the yellow one in the middle. We regret nothing.

It’s a Liberal Thing maintains a corrections policy. It is available on request and has never been used.

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